“Not everyone is going to want, or know how to receive your energy. Make peace with it and move on.”
I like to say that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, because I’m not. I’m abrasive, brutally honest, happy, motherly, loud, different, and a tad weird. I have a ton of great qualities but I point these out, because negative or not they help make me who I am. I’m also, Strong, independent, go-getting, and driven. All these things make me the complex women I am. I have determined I’m at a place in my life that I need to be forward and upfront with my expectations of others and I want them to be the same with me. If I’m not I’ll never actually get what I need or know where I stand with them.
I spent years trying to be someone else for people, to be accepted by them.
I put up a fake front to not get hurt. Tried to make everyone happy in order to never feel pain. I am currently laughing out loud because of how naive I was. I’m here to break it to y’all……..you’re going to get hurt! People are not going to like you. You are going to be sweet tea while others only like green tea or don’t want the calories. So hard to believe I know, but let’s open with that so you can all let it sink in.
I never was popular, but I was best friends with one of the most popular girls in school growing up.
She’s still to this day my best friend! I couldn’t do life without her. But there was a time, I did whatever I could to fit in with that group, party, lose weight, change my hair, attempt to be sexy.
That wasn’t me! It who I thought others wanted me to be.
The worst change of myself was for a boy, not just a boy, the one I thought was THE BOY. From 18 to 22 we moved in and out of each other’s lives. We were in a relationship, we faked being friends, I was his conscience and his confidant. He was my sounding board and the person that made me feel wanted. I would be there when he needed someone no matter how bad it hurt, especially when I wasn’t the girl he wanted at the time. He would make me crazy because he constantly made me believe our problems were because of me. I even went to the extent of abusing my body. I refused to eat, I worked out to the point my body was shutting down, the woman I was meant to be, I was raised to be would dwindle away with my self esteem. Manipulated to believe the problem was with me and not with him. All the lies, every time he was unfaithful, it all fell on my shoulders. I was constantly crushed asking “What’s wrong with me?”…. “Why am I not enough for the man who says he wants to marry me?”… “What else can I do?”.. For YEARS I asked those questions. I removed myself from his life for awhile, because I knew he was toxic. After a year of getting my self together he reopened the door into my life with a text message “how are you?“.. I was happy where I was at and couldn’t fall back into his trap. But promising change in himself, telling me I was the one, reminding me of the life we planned, once again I childishly tried to make us work. Going back to the constant wondering of ‘what do I have to do to fit into his life?‘. My answer was nothing, he needed to learn to fit into my life. I had to learn that everything he said was a bunch of CRAP! I probably would have stayed on that detrimental cycle with him if someone hadn’t come to me bringing the person he really was to my attention. The man I loved was a fallacy. The cute, nerdy, lanky boy I met at 18 didn’t turn into the man I wanted him to be. I wanted him to live up to my expectations of him, but I never told him what my expectations were. Instead, I tried to shape myself to whatever perfect image I thought he wanted me to be. Hoping he’d do the same. I even did so much as to always give him the final say on how I dressed in public. That’s not the woman I was raised to be.
I came to realize I was not only changing myself for his love… I was changing myself to fit in with everyone.
Scary thought losing your identity. My last straw was one night when I lived in Kansas City. I was talking to a guy for about a month and we went to a dinner with our group of friends. It was one of the worst dates I’ve ever been on! He was late, rude, flirting with my friends, not the guy he had been when we first met. I got really upset because I was pissed off he couldn’t even pretend he wanted to be around me. I was pretty drunk since I was angry drinking and decided to walk to around until I wasn’t seeing red anymore. I was supposed to ride home with my girlfriends, but I got lost on the streets of KC. Terrible idea by the way. While waiting for my Uber I called the man that I thought was my comfort zone. I was wanting him to tell me everything was okay, nothing was wrong with me… I needed him to validate my being. He called me crazy… Sending me even more into a mess that evening. I’m not crazy, but I was driving myself insane questioning what was wrong with me. I had no backbone when it came to standing up for my self and that showed in the way people treated me. I had high expectations that weren’t being met from others, but I wanted to fit in so badly I never put them out there. Taking what I was dealt. I expected people to respect me as much as I did them. My reality check was they weren’t! It would stay that way unless I lowered my expectations (not going to happen) or I told them my expectations, only if I was direct, intentional, and honest about what I needed would I actually get what I am seeking.
This doesn’t just pertain to relationships but it also works in the business world. I busted my butt wanting to be rewarded for my effort when my prize was just more work. I never demanded a raise, to be on camera, or that I needed time off, I just did it hoping that I would get what I thought I deserved. That I wouldn’t be that woman considered a ‘bitch’ because she’s standing up for herself. Being a good employee and not opening my mouth when I needed something instead of putting my foot down. I got pushed to the side by someone who got the studio job I killed myself for. I worked 100 hours a week while everyone else collected a paycheck for my hard work, my time equaling out to less than $2.00. And driving myself towards insanity because I wanted to keep the peace with the different groups of people I was managing. I got left behind because I didn’t speak up.
Realizing that you’ll never be what everyone wants, is hard to accept especially when you want to be one of the cool kids. And If you never express what you want, you’ll spend a lot of wasted time with people who in the end might realize you aren’t the person they want to be around. This parlays in both relationships and business. Now in my business tacts im not afraid to tell someone what I need. If I want to be on camera, and that’s my goal, then I tell my employer “this is where I’m going. This is how we can help each other!” Not having a job is hard.. but knowing your strengths and telling them your worth is priceless. You might not be the employee they are looking for but then that job isn’t for you. When I’m perusing someone I ask questions, I call, FaceTime, try to do more than just hit the surface. Also, I make it a point to say what my expectations are and what my goal is with the person. If I’m trying to date you, I’m going to tell you. If I want to go on a date with you, you’ll know. I don’t want there to be any confusion, because honestly I don’t have time to sit in limbo. None of us do. Time is the only resource we can never get back! This makes me not what everyone wants. It makes me seem somewhat off putting to some people who like to beat around the bush and that’s okay with me because those people aren’t for me. You and I need people that are intential with our time.
The right people will be in our life for the right reasons and will love you for you!
Being intentinal and saying what you expect is not easy. If it was easy everyone would do it. It socially not normal to go against the grain, but what is normal? What’s cool? Who determines the definition of these things? You’re going to be shocked with the answer… it’s YOU! That means you are popular. You decide the company you keep! You don’t have to change anything, but your thought process to know you are in charge. You don’t have to give up the things you want or the person you are because you want to fit in. You determine what fitting in is. People will fit to you if they are actually meant to, no matter if it is business or personal relationships.
I’m not saying don’t grow, growth is necessary to meet your full potential.
What I’m urging you to do is not change who you are just because you want to fit in. If Jesus would have changed to fit in he would have never been the world’s salvation. He would have been another man amongst the sea of lost souls in the world’s ocean of lies and sin. He stuck to what his beliefs and values were not because he had to, he was given free will like the rest of us. He became our salvation! He did not waiver in his beliefs.
Be like Jesus!
DON’T BE UNSWEETENED TEA! People can make you exactly how they want if you are unsweetened. Instead, be whatever crazy, weird, flavor you want! Sweeten yourself, because you are ultimately the only person that can make you happy. People will LOVE you for you, whatever flavor that is. You don’t have to be perfect for everyone, because you aren’t supposed to be. There are toxic people out there and you don’t need that sludge in your life. You only need positive people. People that meet your expectations and superseded them. That will forever want what’s best for you. They will never ask or expect you to change, because they know that’s how you’re made! Most importantly the people you do fit with, those are the people who will love you through every bump in the road, every up, down, curve ball, strike out, and homerun. Like my best friend Taylor, does with me! She’s always been okay with who I am. I tried to fit in to her group when it really didn’t matter, she’s always loved me regardless. The people you’re the cup of tea for are the ones that will make your life more prosperous.
Question: “What is your identity? Do you find it through other people? Do you know who you are? Do you know who you want to be? Are you staying true to that image or trying to fit in with something so much you are not on the path to become that person?”
My prayer for you: “Lord, I pray who ever is reading this find their identity in the person that you want them to be. That they brew who they are with the potential you gave them. That they stick to their independence in who they are. That no toxic people smear their life with sludge that makes them believe they are any less of the great person they are. That they give their expectations of those around them upfront instead of sitting back and waiting for other expectations of them to change who they are. That the relationships in their lives only prosper them to grow to their potential. That the acceptance of many is nothing compared to the love of a few and you. This i pray in your name. Amen”
Be you, There is no one better! Don’t change because you want to fit in. Dr. Seuss said “Why fit in when you are born to stand out!” Corny but so true. Be original! Be YOU!