“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”
This is so fitting to what I am writing about today… Fear! We all have some deep seeded fears in our lives. If you say you don’t, then you just haven’t found it yet. There are points in our lives where our demons (fears) show their ugly heads and come out in full force trying to bring us down. Trying to take our happiness. Trying to tell us that we are less than we are.
What are you afraid of?
Me? I always thought it was failure, but I’ve come to realize.. My greatest fear is that I am inadequate. That everyone around me and the people I love will see the things I’ve done and deem me inadequate. That I can’t be loved, cherished, or happy because for some reason I am damaged for my past. That my sins are so great and I did them without hesitation, because of that God won’t forgive me of them. That my I am not as great in my career as everyone thinks. That no matter how hard I work, I will always under value my effort, because if I value it others might not think I deserve what I believe I work for.
My demons a.k.a these awful thoughts came up recently due to my puppy, Waffles…. Waffles was supposed to stay with me for a short stint then she was going to Virginia to live with my friend who was adopting her off a farm not far from my house. We were keeping her until he could pick her up but things weren’t working out for him to come get her. Waffles and I bonded during that time and she became part of the little circus I call my family. When the moment came for him to meet her, he says to me “I’ve been thinking… I really think she is meant to be yours”. I was a mix of emotions when this happened; happy, because I wasn’t going to lose my best friend that I love so much…. But I also had a panic attack right there on the spot. A full blown ugly cry, can’t breathe, panic attack… Over a puppy.
I thought I was crying with happiness at first, honestly it was fear.
Yes, you are probably laughing saying “Why was she scared it is just a dog?” Well……….. I was scared, because the lifestyle I have has never really fit anything else but myself. I’ve always lived selfishly focused on my career and my social life a very me focused existence. Yes, I have a passion for helping others and creating a better life for them, but my personal life was like many of the millennials out there “I come first”. These fears, these thoughts were put in my head by none other than me. There was a time in my life I talked myself into a twisted truth that was really a lie. That I could not be a good significant other, a great mother, and that I was this horrible person who could barely take care of myself. When my friend said, “She is your dog!” I was reminded in one quick instance of all of those horrible things I said to myself.
All of my demons were there again.
God says “Thou shalt not fear” 365 times in the bible. That’s a daily reminder that you have nothing to fear and are a child of God. He also says that if you ask for forgiveness of your sins he will grant you his grace. It is so hard to rid yourself of your fears. It is almost a sin in itself to believe them even for a second. I know it is easy to say cast them out, but I was reminded recently by a man I respect that those evil things we tell ourselves are not true. No matter how bad they make you feel…. They are only true if you let them control you.
I have decided to take inadequate out of my vocabulary and remember that, “If you only do the things you know how to do…… Then you’ll never be more than what you are now.” This means that, I can be responsible for something other than myself. My sins don’t define me. Living with regrets will only hinder my growth, because if you let them control you…. You’ll never have the courage to step out of your comfort zone.
Do I still have those thoughts and fears, yes….. But I am not going to let them steal my happiness like I have been the past few weeks. I am not going to stress myself out so much I have a panic attack. I am going to accept the challenges ahead willingly and without fear whatever they are. That is what God would want me to do. That is the person I want to be, courageous. Not one who does things because I fear being inadequate or failure, but a person that has so much courage that regardless of the outcome I live, laugh, love and grow through the experience. The people who genuinely love you know that your past doesn’t define you. The people who walk into your life will accept you for the good bad and the ugly. You’ll never be inadequate for the things you’ve done to people who actually matter.
You’re just coal being turned into a diamond. It takes pressure and heat to make something beautiful.
My prayer: “I pray that anyone with fears cast them out and know that they aren’t your thoughts of them. That we remember that they take away from our joy, our happiness, our life. Put your hands on us when we feel alone in our fears and bring people into our lives to remind us that we are never without someone. Fear is a way to put a divide between us and the truth of who we are meant to be. Remind us that they are not YOUR truths. Thank you for every breath, every moment, every day. Amen.”
You are not alone. Your fears do not control you unless you let them!